Tomorrow I start my new job, one that will (at least theoretically) be permanent and long-term and full-time. Eight months since being unceremoniously laid off by my previous company, and three-and-a-half months since wrapping up my three-month contract in London.
I can't deny it's a bit scary. The first thing is the usual point of, will I be good at it, will it last, and so forth. I don't know if I suffer from imposter syndrome, or at least none of the descriptions of it have ever really resonated with me. But my mind is always open to the possibility that I may not be up to a particular set of tasks for which I would be paid. This has happened before, specifically with journalism, so it's not a completely idle fancy.
Whenever I consider this point I always remember that I'm starting a new job, not the army - if it's really terrible, I can always quit and go back to my freelance work.
The other apprehension is less serious, but it's an interesting point. I'll be completely office-based again for the first time in years, which is actually a relief but is also a bit weird because I'll be giving up an entire routine that's sustained me since about May 2016. I'd get up early-ish, shower and shave and have breakfast, do my Khan Academy and Duolingo, and then work until 8 hours were up, whenever that might be. I'd take breaks to go for walks, and to grab lunch, and if I was really stressed I'd nap for a few minutes to clear my head (I sense I'm going to miss this one in particular). During my lunch breaks, I'd watch Netflix, in part because being at home all the time is lonely, and it's nice to hear human speech.
These things are all going away, though I know in certain ways they're being replaced by other stuff. When I was working in London this winter, I fell into a nice routine of coming to the office early to grab a seat, have my breakfast and then do Khan Academy until it was time to start at 8.30. At their best routines can be adaptable to circumstances.
It's been a pretty chaotic year, from losing my job on 1 December, to kicking the can down the road for three months in London, to getting my freelance and contract work lined up in May, June and July. The routines I've set up, or maintained, in that time, have helped shield me a bit from the existential dread that creeps up when you don't know if things are going to work out.
This blog post started from the idea of considering how my life's going to change from being gainfully employed and working in an office again, but it's morphed into thoughts on routines, in part because I keep seeing a former coworker's posts on Facebook and Instagram about how glad he is that he doesn't stick to a routine, because it lets him travel the world and discover new things and all that stuff.
I remain a bit jealous of his digital nomad ways, because I like that rush of discovering new places, but I also don't envy the complete lack of structure or the way that constantly being on the road cuts you off from intimacy. Not to go down too dark a road, but this lack of intimacy has been bandied about as one of the factors in Anthony Bourdain's suicide last month (I've got him in mind too because I've been catching up with Parts Unknown on Netflix).
A routine may seem stifling to some, but to me it provides the structure that allows me to really find out where I can be free, and to exploit those weak spots. So in a way I'm already thinking about the basic routine of my life from here on in, which will be driving to work in the mornings and home in the evenings. I'm lucky enough to have found a job in my own town, so the commute shouldn't be too hellish, and this means that commute can become something to look forward to.
This is all a bit ramble-y, and I've touched on Anthony Bourdain, digital nomads, imposter syndrome and job losses, so it might be worth wrapping up here. But again, I'd like to stress that a significant part of me is looking forward to starting this new gig up and seeing where it takes me. And for the other part of me that's a little worried, I keep reminding it that I can quit if I need to, and restart the freelance thing.
Here's to new beginnings, in any case...
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